It would be helpful to see a list of common traits of the Reviling Wife. Of course, there is a certain caution that needs to be exercised in lists and bullet points. If you have read this far, however, you understand that this list is not given in isolation from all that precedes it. Please remember the context in which these are given and do not use these points in isolation from more detailed explanations elsewhere in this book. The common traits are:
Control > Perhaps there is no trait more pervasive in the Reviling Wife than this one. She insists on her husband thinking a certain way, agreeing with her about certain issues, and not resisting her plans. In Ecclesiastes 7:26 it is pointed out that there are some women with whom is it “more bitter than death” to be “ensnared by them.” Nearly every single husband whom I have counseled would say that living with their reviling, shrewish wife is more painful than death itself. In fact, most wished death upon themselves. Though this passage is probably making reference to a woman who lures men into sexual sin, the principle would seem to apply to any woman who wishes to control her husband. On the other hand, most wives who are reviling and abusive are also going to sexually control their husbands (see below).
Intimidation > Since the Reviling Wife is usually not bigger or stronger than her husband, she will resort to verbal intimidation. Most wives can talk circles around men and men will often simply withdraw and retreat rather than fight. The Reviling Wife loves this since this increases her ability to control him.
Dictatorial > The Reviling Wife will be extremely demanding and not allow herself to be held accountable. She will dictate “how” her husband leads the home—it must be the way that she herself wants it to be. So in essence, she is leading the family and she refuses to follow the husband’s leadership. A husband who has no one to follow him cannot function as a leader.
Seared Conscience > (See 1 Timothy 4:2; 2 Timothy 3:7). She lacks empathy and appears to have no conscience. She feels no guilt over her cruel and reviling speech. She never apologizes and never asks forgiveness for what she has done wrong.
Sex is a Weapon > Denying the husband of sex, or using it to “get him back under control” (1 Corinthians 7:5). One wife refused to have sex with her husband for the last 4 years of their marriage and then she divorced him since he refused to submit to her controlling ways. In fact she was so repulsed by him that she would not even allow him to hold her hand. By contrast, another would speak unspeakably harsh and cruel things with her husband and then seduce him into bed. She would act as if she hadn’t said anything harsh or hostile to her husband. In both cases, the wife is trying to “gain control” of her husband—either through denial or through seduction. Another wife said, “I will have sex with you if you…” Anything after the words “if” are coercive and manipulative and evil.
Bitter > This has been covered in depth earlier. She is seething in anger and unwilling to forgive and even unwilling to overlook things that are not in the “sin” category.
Hyper-sensitive > The Reviling Wife is sensitive about things said about her, but completely insensitive when she says things to others (Proverbs 12:16; 29:11; 14:17; 14:29; 15:18; 29:22; Ecclesiastes 7:9)
Lack of Submission > an unwillingness to follow, despite her protests that she is a “submissive wife” and believes in male headship. She is not and does not.
Hypocrisy > The Reviling Wife will demand certain behavior and a certain standard from her husband, but she herself will refuse to hold herself to even a remotely similar standard. She will yell and scream at the husband, and he will patiently listen to her. But then when he loses his temper even one time, she will cry, or tell others how cruel he is to her, or accuse him of things of which she herself is guilty. Matthew 7:1-5 and Romans 2:1-3 describe her perfectly.
Meddles > (See Proverbs 26:17; 1 Timothy 5:13). The Reviling Wife will see herself as the one who fixes problems in other people’s lives—even towards those who do not welcome her involvement. Yet she will not take care of obvious “logs” in herself (Matthew 7:1-5).
Lacks Friends > Often a Reviling Wife will not have any female friends. She is so caustic and harsh that she probably acts this way towards other women, not just her own husband. Other women will typically make excuses for not spending time with her, or going out to lunch with her, or becoming close friends with her. She offends most people that she meets, and then complains how cold these other women are towards her.
The Abusive Wife
Ministering to the Contentious Woman
David D. Edgington, PhD
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