Humility
Our society encourages navel-gazing and celebrates entitlement and exuberance. Economic interests lie not in humility but in pride and hubris, while to call something or someone ‘humble’ most often connotes that the thing or person is simple, contemptible, or of little worth.
To distinguish it from modesty is the first step in finding humility. Like ‘humiliation’, ‘humility’ derives from the Latin humus, ‘earth’ or ‘dirt’. Modesty on the other hand derives from modus, ‘manner’ or ‘measure’, and means restraint in appearance and behaviour. It is the reluctance to flaunt, display, or otherwise draw attention to oneself.
Modesty often implies a certain artfulness or artificiality, perhaps even insincerity or hypocrisy. In Dickens’s David Copperfield (1850), the character of Uriah Heep is notable for his obsequiousness, and often brings up his own ‘umbleness’ in a bid to disguise the true scale of his ambition. Modesty often poses as humility, but, unlike humility, is superficial and external rather than deep and internal. At best, modesty is no more than good manners.
True humility, on the other hand, derives from a proper perspective on our human condition: one person among billions on a small planet among billions, like a bacterium on a titbit of cheese. Of course, human beings cannot remain this level-headed for longer than three winks, but truly humble people are nonetheless far more aware of their cosmic insignificance, an insignificance that verges upon non-existence. A mote of dust does not consider itself superior or inferior to other motes of dust, or concern itself with their comings and goings. Enthralled by the miracle of existence, truly humble people live not for themselves or their image, but for life itself.
Drunk on their humility, humble people can sometimes come across as arrogant. In 399 BCE, at the age of 70, Socrates was indicted for offending the Olympian gods and breaking the law against impiety. He was accused of ‘studying things in the sky and below the earth’, ‘making the worse into the stronger argument’, and ‘teaching these same things to others’. At his trial, he gave a defiant defence, telling the jurors that they ought to be ashamed of their eagerness to possess as much wealth and reputation as possible, while not caring for or giving thought to wisdom or truth, or the best possible state of their soul.
After being convicted and sentenced to death, Socrates turned around to the 501 jurors and said:
You think that I was convicted through deficiency of words—I mean, that if I had thought fit to leave nothing undone, nothing unsaid, I might have gained an acquittal. Not so; the deficiency which led to my conviction was not of words—certainly not. But I had not the boldness or impudence or inclination to address you as you would have liked me to address you, weeping and wailing and lamenting, and saying and doing many things which you have been accustomed to hearing from others, and which, as I say, are unworthy of me. But I thought that I ought not to do anything common or mean in the hour of danger: nor do I now repent of the manner of my defence, and I would rather die having spoken after my manner, than speak in your manner and live.
Throughout his long life, Socrates, who looked like a tramp, had been a paragon of humility. When his friend Chærephon asked the Delphic oracle if anyone was wiser than Socrates, the Pythian priestess replied that no one was wiser. To discover the meaning of this divine utterance, Socrates questioned a number of people with a claim to wisdom, and in each case concluded, ‘I am likely to be wiser than he to this small extent, that I do not think I know what I do not know.’ From then on, he dedicated himself to the service of the gods by seeking out anyone who might be wise and, ‘if he is not, showing him that he is not.’
Was Socrates lacking in humility at his trial? Was he, paradoxically, being arrogant by bragging about his humility? Perhaps he put on an arrogant display because he wanted to die, because he was ill or infirm and knew that by dying the death of a martyr his thought and teachings would be preserved for posterity. Or perhaps genuine humility can seem like arrogance to those who are truly arrogant, in which case humble people may need to hide their humility under a cloak of… modesty—which, at his trial, Socrates was unwilling to do.
To be humble is to subdue our ego so that things are no longer all about us, whereas to be modest is to protect the ego of others so that they do not feel uncomfortable, threatened, or belittled, and attack us in return. Because humble people are in fact very big, they may need to slap on an extra thick veneer of modesty.
Socrates is not the only humble person who occasionally comes across as arrogant. In fact, there is a propensity for such ‘arrogance’ among celebrated thinkers and artists. Even doubting Descartes had his moments. In an appendix to his Discourse, he let slip: ‘I hope that posterity will judge me kindly, not only as to the things which I have explained, but also to those which I have intentionally omitted so as to leave to others the pleasure of discovery.’
Erasmus said that ‘humility is truth’. Humble people are disinclined to conceal the truth because they are by nature truth seekers: it is often through philosophy that they found humility, and this humility in turn invites philosophy. Philosophy, the art of perspective, if carried out in earnest, eventually leads to clarity of thought, such that humble people are often highly productive or prolific. If a person is insightful and inspired, chances are good that he or she is also humble.
Religious traditions are keen to emphasize humility in their teachings. In Greek mythology, Aidos, the daimona of shame, reverence, and humility, held people back from doing wrong. In around the eighth century BCE, Hesiod wrote: ‘Aidos and Nemesis with their sweet forms wrapped in white robes, will go from the wide-pathed earth and forsake mankind to join the company of the deathless gods…’ Some of the most vivid Greek myths, like those of Tantalus, Sisyphus, Œdipus, Phæthon, Œdipus, and Icarus, who famously flew too close to the sun, can be read as warnings against hubris, which is the defiance of the gods from excessive pride, leading to downfall or nemesis.
In the Christian canon, pride is the original sin, since it is from pride that the angel Lucifer fell from Heaven to become Satan:
How art thou fallen from heaven, O Lucifer, son of the morning! How art thou cut down to the ground, which didst weaken the nations! For thou hast said in thine heart, I will ascend into heaven, I will exalt my throne above the stars of God… I will sit also upon the mount of the congregation, in the sides of the north: I will ascend above the heights of the clouds; I will be like the most High. Yet thou shalt be brought down to hell, to the sides of the pit.
The Book of Numbers speaks of Moses as ‘a man exceeding [sic.] meek above all men that dwelt upon earth’, and the Book of Proverbs teaches that ‘God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble’. Similarly, Matthew says that ‘whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted’.
St Augustine (d. 430 CE) held that humility is the foundation for all the other virtues: without humility, one can have only the appearance of virtue, but not the thing itself. In one of his sermons, he preached: ‘Do you wish to rise? Begin by descending. You plan a tower that will pierce the clouds? Lay first the foundation of humility.’
In the Buddhist tradition, humility is part of the spiritual practice, and an outcome of it: one cannot attain enlightenment unless one has perfected humility. In Taoism, humility is one of the Three Treasures, or basic virtues, along with compassion and frugality. As for Islam, the very word ‘Islam’ means ‘submission (to the will of God)’.
But not all of the canonical philosophers thought highly of humility. Aristotle omitted it from his list of virtues, and Hume and Nietzsche went so far as to condemn it.
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There is much to chew upon in Nietzsche’s master-slave dichotomy, but he and Hume seem to confuse or confound humility with modesty or meekness. Both humility and modesty involve self-abnegation, but whereas modesty involves self-abnegation for the sake of others or for the sake of short-term ease and favour, humility involves self-abnegation for the sake of a higher truth and better self.
There is more and more evidence to suggest that, far from being inhibiting, humility is a highly adaptive trait. Researchers have linked it to pro-social dispositions such as self-control, gratitude, generosity, tolerance, and forgiveness; and associated it not only with better personal and social relationships, as might be expected, but also with better health outcomes, superior academic and job performance, and a more effective leadership style.
Because humility de-emphasizes the self, it diminishes the need for self-deception, which in turn frees us to admit to and learn from our mistakes; contemplate alternative perspectives and possibilities; recognize the qualities and contributions of others; and respect, value, and submit to legitimate authority.
In sum, humility could not be more different from mere modesty or meekness. If humility resembles anything, it is in fact the ancient concept of piety, or right relations, but stripped or abstracted of piety’s more concrete and sectarian religious dimensions.
Humility is the real religion.
Gratitude
Gratitude [Latin gratia, grace] never came easily to us men and women, and is a diminishing virtue in modern times. In our consumerist society, we tend to focus on what we lack, or on what other people have that we do not, whereas gratitude is the feeling of appreciation for what we already have. More than that, it is the recognition that the good in our life can come from something that is beyond us and beyond our control—be it other people, nature, or a higher power—and that owes little or nothing to us. Gratitude is not a technique or stratagem, but a complex and refined moral disposition. It has been defined poetically as ‘the memory of the heart’ or ‘the moral memory of mankind’.
It is easy enough, both for the debtor and the benefactor, to mistake indebtedness for gratitude. Indebtedness is a much more contained and restricted obligation, or perceived obligation, on the part of the debtor to recompense or otherwise compensate the benefactor, not because recompense is a pleasure but because obligation is a pain. Unlike gratitude, indebtedness can lead the debtor to avoid and even resent the benefactor.
As philosopher Seneca (d. 65 CE) put it:
In the case of certain men, the more they owe, the more they hate. A trifling debt makes a man your debtor; a large one makes him an enemy.
Gratitude should also be distinguished from appreciation, which is the recognition and enjoyment of the good qualities of a person or thing, but without the dimension of awe, reverence, and humility that is at the core of gratitude.
Gratitude is magnified if the conferred benefit is unexpected, or if the benefactor is of a higher social standing than the debtor. But if a benefit comes to be expected, both it and the benefactor tend to be taken for granted by the beneficiary—a common feature of tired relationships, and a rationale for doling out gifts and favours on a variable ratio schedule. Every Christmas, I give the refuse collectors in my street a bottle of wine. One year, the gift failed to materialize, and when it eventually did, some time in February, they accepted it only grudgingly.
Gratitude is also magnified if, in benefiting us, the benefactor touches our feelings. Unless our feelings are moved, we tend to respond not with gratitude but with mere appreciation—which is why a gift ought to be accompanied by a thoughtful card. By the same token, the teachers whom we hold dearest in our hearts are not those who assiduously taught us the most facts, or fastidiously covered every bulleted point on the syllabus, but those who inspired us and opened us up to the world.
In paying homage to something outside ourselves, gratitude enables us to connect with something that is not only larger than ourselves but also benevolent, even nurturing. By turning us outward, it opens our eyes to the miracle that is life, something to marvel at, revel in, and celebrate, rather than forget, ignore, or take for granted as it passes us by. Gratitude encourages us to joy, tranquillity, awareness, enthusiasm, and empathy, while removing us from anxiety, sadness, loneliness, regret, and envy, with which it is fundamentally incompatible. All this it does because it opens us up to a bigger and better perspective, shifting our focus from what we lack or strive for to all that we already have, to the bounty that surrounds us, and, above all, to life itself, which is the fount of all opportunity and possibility. This eagle or godlike perspective frees us to live life, no longer for ourselves, but for life itself.
For this reason, the philosopher Cicero (d. 43 BCE) called gratitude the greatest of the virtues, and, more than that, the mother of all the other virtues. Today, science has begun to catch up with Cicero. Studies have linked gratitude with increased satisfaction, motivation, and energy; better sleep and health; and reduced stress and sadness. Grateful people engage much more with their environment, leading to greater personal growth and self-acceptance, and stronger feelings of purpose, meaning, and connectedness.
We can be grateful not only for past and present benefits but also for likely future benefits. Forward gratitude promotes optimism, and optimism faith. So it can be no surprise that both Western and Eastern religious traditions strongly emphasize gratitude. In many Christian denominations, the most important rite is Holy Communion or Eucharist—a word that derives from eucharistia, Greek for ‘thanksgiving’. Luther himself spoke of gratitude as ‘the basic Christian attitude’. More than a mere feeling, Christian gratitude is a virtue, or disposition of the soul, that shapes our thoughts, feelings, and actions, and that is developed and exercised through a remembered relationship with God and His Creation.
In contrast, ingratitude—which can range from mere lack or absence of gratitude to Brutus’ murder of Cæsar—is hurtful because it ignores the efforts and sacrifices of the benefactor, thereby affronting him or her, and, by extension, life itself.
In Shakespeare’s King Lear (1606), Lear cries out:
Ingratitude, thou marble-hearted fiend,
More hideous when thou show’st thee in a child
Than the sea monster!
…
How much sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is
To have a thankless child!
Hume maintains that ‘of all the crimes that human creatures are capable of committing, the most horrid and unnatural is ingratitude…’ For Kant, ingratitude is, quite simply, ‘the essence of vileness’. Ingratitude, which, of course, has become the norm, corrodes social bonds and undermines public trust, leading to societies built on rights and entitlements rather than duties and obligations, on me rather than us, and in which every aspect of human life has to be regulated, recorded, and monitored.
Despite the great and many benefits that it confers, gratitude is hard to cultivate. It is opposed to some deeply ingrained human traits, in particular, our need to feel in control of our destiny, our propensity to credit ourselves for our successes while blaming others for our setbacks, and our unconscious belief in some kind of cosmic equality or justice—that is, our refusal to accept that life is fundamentally unfair. Today, we seek more and more to exist as independent individuals rather than as a social collective, and gratitude undermines our ego illusion.
As human nature does not leave much place for it, gratitude is an attainment of maturity, or, to be more precise, emotional maturity, which can arrive at any age or, more commonly, not at all. Children who are taught to parrot ‘thank you’ mean it even less than their parents do. Many people express gratitude, or a semblance of it, simply because doing so is useful or the ‘done thing’. Gratitude is good manners, and good manners aim at aping profundity when profundity is lacking.
Real gratitude, in contrast, is a rare and accomplished virtue. There is a fable in Æsop about a slave who extracts a thorn from the paw of a lion. Some time later, the slave and the lion are captured, and the slave thrown to the lion. The starved lion bounds and roars towards the slave, but upon recognizing his friend fawns upon him and licks his face like a lapdog. ‘Gratitude’ concludes Æsop, ‘is the sign of noble souls.’
Like all virtues, gratitude requires constant cultivation, until such a day as we can say, ‘Thank you for nothing.’
Patience
An old man shared his deepest regret. ‘I wish’ he said, ‘that I had understood the unfolding of time.’ Patience (or forbearance) comes from the Latin patientia, ‘patience, endurance, submission’, and, ultimately—like ‘passivity’ and ‘passion’—from patere, ‘to suffer’. It can be defined as the quality of endurance or equanimity in the face of adversity, from simple delay or provocation to tragic misfortune and excruciating pain.
Being both adaptive and difficult, patience is often thought of as a virtue, but it can also be understood as a complex of virtues including self-control, humility, tolerance, generosity, and mercy, and is itself an important aspect of other virtues such as hope, faith, and love. Patience is, therefore, a paradigm for the ancient notion of the unity of the virtues.
In Buddhism, patience is named as one of the Six Perfections [paramitas] and extends to the non-return of harm. The Book of Proverbs, in the Judeo-Christian tradition, speaks very highly of patience: ‘He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty; and he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city.’ This is echoed in Ecclesiastes, which teaches, ‘The patient in spirit is better than the proud of spirit. Be not hasty in thy spirit to be angry: for anger resteth in the bosom of fools.’
The opposite of patience is impatience, which can be defined as the inability or disinclination to endure perceived imperfection. Impatience is a rejection of the present moment on the grounds that it is tainted or marred, and ought to be replaced by some more ideal imagined future. It is a rejection of the way things are, a rejection of reality. Whereas patience recognizes that life is a struggle for each and every one of us, impatience takes umbrage at people for being the way they are, betraying a kind of disregard, even contempt, for human nature in its finitude.
Impatience implies impotence, that is, lack of control or command over a situation, and this impotence gives rise to frustration. Like anger (Chapter 16), impatience and frustration are as misguided as they are miserable, and as sterile as they are self-defeating. They can lead to rash and destructive action, and also, paradoxically, to inaction, or procrastination, since to put off a demanding or boring task is also to put off the frustration to which it is bound to lead.
Today more than ever, patience is a forgotten virtue. Our individualistic and materialistic society values ambition and action (or, at least, activity) above all else, whereas patience involves a withdrawing and withholding of the self. And things are only getting worse: In a study of millions of Internet users, researchers found that, within just ten seconds, about half of users had given up on videos that had not yet started to play. What’s more, users with a faster connection were fastest to click away, suggesting that technological progress is actually eroding our patience.
Waiting, even for a very short time, has become so unbearable that much of our economy is geared at eliminating ‘dead time’. In The Art of Failure, I argue that such restless impatience is an expression of the manic defence, the essence of which is to prevent feelings of helplessness and despair from entering the conscious mind by distracting it with opposite feelings such as euphoria, purposeful activity, and omnipotent control.
Even in pre-modern, pre-technological times, the so-called egocentric predicament made it difficult to exercise patience. Because I have privileged access to my own thoughts, I blow them out of all proportion and, as a result, lose perspective over a situation. For example, if I am impatient in the checkout line, this is largely because I am under the impression that my time is more valuable, and my purpose greater, than that of the mugs standing in front of me, about whom I know nothing at all. In a belief that I could be doing a better job at the till, I give dagger eyes to the cashier—failing to recognize that he or she is coming at it from a different angle and with different skills and abilities. In the end, my frustration in itself becomes a source of frustration as I vacillate between biding my time in the queue, switching queues, and even abandoning my shopping.
Patience can be regarded as a decision-making problem: eat up all the grain today, or plant it into the ground and wait for it to multiply. Unfortunately, human beings evolved not as farmers but as hunter-gatherers, and have a strong tendency to discount long-term rewards. This ancestral short-sightedness is borne out by the Stanford marshmallow experiment, a series of studies on delayed gratification led by Walter Mischel in the late 1960s and 1970s. Conducted on hundreds of four- and five-year old children, Mischel’s studies involved a simple binary choice: eat this marshmallow or hold back for fifteen minutes to be given a second one. Having explained this choice to a child, the experimenter left the child alone with the marshmallow for fifteen minutes. Follow-up studies carried out over forty years found that the minority of children who had been able to hold out for the second marshmallow went on to enjoy significantly better life outcomes, including higher test scores, better social skills, and less substance misuse.
Even so, patience involves much more than the mere ability to hold back for some future gain, as some of the children did. Exercising patience (note the use of the verb ‘to exercise’) can be compared to dieting or growing a garden—or, indeed, writing a book. Yes, waiting is involved, but one also needs to have a plan in place, and to work at that plan. And so, when it comes to others, patience amounts not to mere restraint or toleration, but to an active, almost complicit, engagement in their struggle and welfare. In that much, patience is a form of compassion, which, rather than disregarding and alienating people, turns them into friends and allies.
If impatience implies impotence, patience implies power, power borne out of understanding. Rather than make us into a hostage to fortune, patience frees us from frustration and its ills, and affords us the calm and perspective to think, say, and do the right thing in the right way at the right time—while still enabling us to enjoy all the other things that are good in our life. Faced with a long checkout line, I might choose to abandon my shopping, but, even then, I can do so without losing my cool and ruining my day.
Exercising patience need not mean never protesting or giving up, but only ever doing so in a considered fashion: never impetuously, never pettily, and never pointlessly. Neither need it mean withholding, just like ageing a case of fine wine for several years need not mean withholding from wine during all that time. Life is too short to wait, but it is not too short for patience.
Last but not least, patience enables us to achieve things that would not otherwise have been possible to achieve. As the philosopher Jean de La Bruyère (d. 1696) put it, ‘There is no road too long to the person who advances deliberately and without undue haste; there are no honours too distant to the person who prepares himself for them with patience.’ Michelangelo compressed this thought into just four words when he said: ‘Genius is eternal patience.’
Patience is much easier, maybe even pleasant, to exercise if one truly understands that it can and does deliver much better outcomes, not just for ourselves but for others too. In 2012, researchers at the University of Rochester replicated the marshmallow experiment. But before doing so, they split the participating children into two groups, exposing the first group to unreliable experiences in the form of broken promises, and the second group to reliable experiences in the form of kept promises. What they found is that the children in the second group (exposed to reliable experiences) waited an average of four times longer than those in the first group.
In other words, patience is largely a matter of trust, or, some might say, faith—including in our political, legal, and financial systems.
Heaven and Hell The Psychology of the Emotions
Neel Burton