Solitude: Seeking Wisdom in Extremes

 Deep solitude is strange and powerful and can be frightening. During my teenage years and into my twenties, I often spent days alone in the wilderness, but three months was a radical leap I wasn’t psychologically prepared for. I almost lost it out there in northern British Columbia. I almost didn’t survive. After six or seven weeks, without other people to help me maintain my identity, the facade of autonomous self-sufficiency started to crumble. Fear crept in as I awoke to how small and vulnerable I was in the face of an enormous and threatening universe. My life felt frighteningly tenuous, and death always instantly possible.

Bears loomed large in my solitary mind. Each night was worse than the one before, as I crouched by the safety of my campfire, hiding from the dangers in the darkness beyond. Finally, I knew I had to either return to the distractions, and apparent safety, of civilization or face the darkness alone.

I left the fire and walked into the forest, edging my way through the dark. I lay down and waited. Time passed, and even the distant glimmer of the fire had died when I heard a bear coming toward me. As it snuffled closer and closer, terror struck. I could feel myself losing it and slipping over the edge into mindless panic. If I moved even a finger, I would be lost. Beyond reason and without reserve, I called for help.

In that moment of surrender, I felt lifted and found myself floating in a pool of clear light. Looking down, I sensed myself lying peacefully on the forest floor. The world was no longer a hostile alien place, but my home. No true separation remained between me and the world.

After that night of inner transformation, the whole world seemed vibrantly alive, and I lived for several weeks deeply integrated into the universe, glorying in the beauty of mountains, lake, and sky. There was also Something Else out there; Something nonphysical and beyond definition. I was part of that, too, and felt accepted and at peace. Those weeks were so filled with joy and wonder that I decided I would someday live alone in the wilderness for a whole year.

from: Solitude

Seeking Wisdom in Extremes

Robert Kull

A YEAR ALONE IN THE PATAGONIA WILDERNESS